So King of All Fashion has been quiet lately.  I’ve been toiling all summer preparing my looks for the fall season.  But, I’m happy to announce, I am now officially back to help a good friend with a major fashion emergency.  Check out what CityCynic hit me with today:

Dear King of All Fashion, I am attending a Maritime Seafood & Music Festival tomorrow and I don’t know what to wear to fit in. Can you help?

Can I help! Of course I can, you’ve definitely come to the right place buddy, I got you covered.  Check this out.

First, remember this is going to be a Maritime event, and you know that means that all these high-society nautical types are going to be there.  You MUST show them that you belong.  I doesn’t matter how many dry martini’s and orders of Clams Casino you partake of, if you don’t have the look, you will not get the respect.

So first, what you want to do is get yourself a nice sailor cap.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, “sailor cap!?”, but you have to remember, these people all own boats and shit.  They sail ALL the time.  A sailor cap is going to show them that you have the skills to tie a bowline, rig a main-sail, and never confuse starboard with port.

Now, I’ve paired the sailor cap with a nice sea-themed neck scarf and a white silk Hawaiian shirt, also very ocean-y.  You’ll blend right in with their ascots and pressed whites.

The next piece of the ensemble is VERY important.  Being as this is a Maritime festival, there’s a good chance you’re going to get wet.  You want to be prepared for the inevitable moment when the richie-riches bust out the Slip-n-Slide (and trust me they will, I’ve been to these sorts of things before).  So I’m suggesting some sensible neoprene wet-suit pants, such as these.

To finish it off, we could of gone with some boat shoes, but I prefer the traction and fresh look of some sensible aqua-socks.

Now, lets put it all together so you can see the big picture.

You see? Class, style, functionality.  Award winning look.

Good luck with your event, remember to be confident and trust the Ol’ KOAF, and eat lots of shellfish in my honor.

You’re welcome, KOAF

My boy Fast Eddie recently sent me the following plea for assistance:

King: I’m have a breakfast tomorrow calling for business casual. None of these looks work for me http://tinyurl.com/djabpo Any tips?

My friend, I am here to help.

Lets begin by dissecting the phrase “Business Casual”. Business comes from the latin root word “Businea”, which means “to do some boring shit and hopefull get real paid”. Casual is based on the French word “Casualteu”, which means “to kick it like Tribe does”.

So, based on these concepts, what article of clothing expresses the concept of “business” better than any other? That’s right, a Bubblegoose Jacket!

A bubblegoose such as this one, by Patagonia, is the ultimate in professional business wear.   That being said, this still doesn’t solve our problem of needing something both “business” and “casual”…

Never fear, that is why you’ve come to me, the King of all Fashion. What you need is a bubblegoose VEST!

Taking the sleeves off anything immediately makes it more casual. So I give to you, the best business casual look you could ever hope for:

Notice I’ve paired the vest with a hip ‘skinny tie’, a slick pair of tortoise colored shades, some plaid shorts, and brown square toed dress shoes from Target.

Fast Ed, you will not fail to impress with this hybrid look. Your breakfast companions will be thinking to themselves “How does this dude look so professional, but also so laid back?”

When they tell you that your impeccable style is certain to get you real paid, don’t forget to tell ’em you got this look from your good buddy the King of all Fashion….and tell them to give me a dollar too.

Check me out, this shirt is on FIRE!  Don’t worry, it’s not really on fire, it just has awesome flames embroidered on it.  This is a totally hot look suitible for the club, but be aware you may have to explain to the doorman that the flames are not real, and there is no real danger of you catching others on fire.

Spring is nearly upon us.   Time to start thinking of what sort of look we’re gonna rock for the spring and into the summer.

When you’re built like me, you jump at the chance to wear something without sleeves.  Not to be confused with the “Hardlegger Shirt” which we’ll be detailing in a future post, a tasteful tank top is just the ticket.   As soon as the temperatures rise at all, I eschew the sleevage that holds me hostage during the winter months, and unleash these beasts for the world to see.

Oh, I can hear you now “But King, what if I’m NOT built like you?”  Well, if you’ve been paying attention at all to the lessons learned from this site, you now know that confidence conquers all…well that and a little “Pancaking” (the act of pushing your bicep with your free hand behind it, in effect making your muscle seem larger than it actually is)

See how much more fabulous I look than that unstylish loser next to me?

Ok, so we’ve discussed accessorizing with live animals, now we’ll look at actually BECOMING an animal yourself.  It may seem like a drastic measure, but nothing draws attention to oneself more than dressing up like a wild animal.  It may seem strange to the faint-hearted, but trust me, this spring, this look is going to be all around.

While a dragon would be the obvious choice, it is hard to pull off, seeing as dragons aren’t real, and you won’t be fooling anyone.

The next best choice is a grizzly bear.  I’ve had this bear hat for years, but the hat alone does not make the man…er…bear.  No, in addition to a full ensemble of bear like wear, I must BE the bear.  When I put on this outfit, I become Bernard the Grizzly Bear.  My transformation is so complete, so real, that when I walk into a party, people get scared.  You can see it in their eyes, for a split second, they think to themselves “Holy $hit, there is a F$%^ing bear in here!”.  They look for the exits.  Then better judgment takes hold and they realize its just me, the King of all Fashion, making another fabulously triumphant entrance.

While we’re on the topic, I cannot stress enough the impotence of adding accessories to your ensemble.  Accessories are like extra credit in the fashion world, and really show people you know how to flaunt your look.

Many people ask me “Accessories seem to be sort of limited, I mean what kind of new spin can you put on the same old shoes, hats, belts, etc?”  My answer to this is usually “Please go away, you lack vision”.  But when I’m feel particularly generous, I’ll explain that the next level in fashion accessories are living ones.

Living accessories add a sense of flair and confidence to your outfit.  Adding a live animal to your ensemble draws much attention.

For example, I often accessorize with cats.

When selecting cats, I prefer to go with matched sets.   Making a look work is all about going the extra mile, so consider taking the time to find two identical felines, such as these.

Here you’ll notice I’ve matched the cats with the environment.  Paying attention to detail is what makes me the King!

Get creative! This is a shot of a new idea that I have a patent pending on called Cat Hat™, which  I will post in full about once the first round of adventure capital funding has gone through.

Until next time,
-KoaF

Listen up because I’m about to drop some knowledge.

Mustaches are not funny.  Mustaches are not ironic.

If you are one of these frontin’ ass posers wearing an “ironic” mustache, you probably need to reevaluate your life, because you aren’t going to amount to anything (tip Lopo).

I know this because I respect the mustache, I look really good with one, not everyone does.  Once again, it takes confidence to wear the mustache with the honor and pride it deserves.

To see what I mean, look at this archive of photos of me, looking great, as always, with a stache.

Ok, this is a bit of a “Hardlegger” look.  I often dress in an outfit like this when I need to command lots of respect.

If you want people on the street to be intimidated by your style, you cannot beat a shirt with a dragon on it.  And guess what you bastards, this shirt’s got TWO dragons on it.  Twice the intimidation factor!  People cross the street when I come walking down the sidewalk wearing this.

I’ve paired the dragon shirt with a sensible pair of Old Navy jeans, some nice Smith sunglasses, and a platinum chain with a $ sign on it.  Actually, this chain is a plastic copy of the actual chain, which I keep in a safe deposit box.  Can’t be too careful these days.

You better know that I’m the King of all Fashion.
What does that mean to you?  Stick around and you might learn something.
Consider me a life coach. Confidence, it’s all about confidence.

It’s hard being the King of all Fashion, but someone’s got to do it.
Better know that.